dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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