At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
