ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Randomize
