Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
