I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
