do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
