An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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