i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
