so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
