Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
All I want is dick and wine.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
