The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
