I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
