im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
