I accidentally burped into my bong.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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