The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
