She's JV to your varsity
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
