Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Fuck appropriateness.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
