sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
