I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
