Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
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