Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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