alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
