The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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