She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Sext me about skeletons
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
