thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
