I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
