I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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