you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
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we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
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We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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