bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
