dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Boobs are out for the taking
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I think i got beer on your cat.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
