i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
