1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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