i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
