Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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