We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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