I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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