I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
