I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
