my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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