Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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