When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
