I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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