he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
