I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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