You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
