What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
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