I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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