Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
