The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
