did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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