i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
