Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
