remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
