all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
