He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
