I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
