i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
