Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
