Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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